What's that, Papa?Wrong show.Well, I hope this judging won't take long, I have to attend a charity event.And then I'm giving Lady Violet a disapproving look.And I was going to do something surprisingly racy, like, sit on the lawn without a blanket.Oh, yes.Milord.Carson?Is this true, Milord?You're not going to be our Santa this year?I'm afraid not.Well, there is someone in this very household who would be perfect for Santa.Someone kind and jolly who, in their youth, had a rather substantial beard.I can't ask Mrs Patmore.I meant me, Milord.You?Don't take this the wrong way, Carson, but I've seen jollier funeral directors.But--No, I'm sorry, you're just not right.Shall we make a start?Yes.Live from Downton Abbey, it's Downton's Got Santa!And here are your judges...What are you doing, Molesley?Sorry, Milord, just giving the proceedings a little... a little atmosphere.Well, don't!I see who's going to be the bad-tempered judge.Let's get on with it, shall we?Certainly, Milord, certainly.Well, off you go.Merry Christmas, everyone!I have toys for you all!Very good.I rather like that.Are you married to "ho ho ho, merry Christmas"?I've played Santa a number of times and I think it's time to be inventive.Reinvent Santa?Yes, like they did with Batman.Make him darker.This is a chap who's been up in the North Pole all year making toys, it's very cold up there.I don't think he's gonna be that jolly.Well, traditionally, he's been very jolly.Yes, but this is a chance to take him in another direction, don't you feel?I've worked out his whole backstory.And grown a beard!Well, I like this, this shows real commitment.And presumably, it's why you've put on the additional weight.I beg your pardon?Well, you've obviously bulked up for the part.It's a bit rich coming from you, you're not exactly Twiggy.If I am carrying a few extra pounds, it's because I have low blood sugar and a doctor's note instructing me to snack between meals.I wonder if I could get one of those notes.Delicious.Well? Did I get the part?No.But I'm *** perfect for Santa.I'm the jolliest *** Santa you will ever get to *** meet.Where on Earth did you learn such language?I trained under Mrs Patmore.That's *** right.And while I'm around, you'll always be number *** two, you little ***.*** me.So? Any questions, Lord Grantham?Christmas.Next!Really, Papa.Well, in my humble opinion, Santa could definitely do with a makeover.Listen, if you give me the job, I promise you a brand-new styled Santa.Exaggerated shoulders, this season's clean lines to show off his Christmasy curves.Who's booking these guests?Last year, we had George Clooney.Please, Milord.Do give me a chance.I used to be on the halls.Oh, yes, it's at times like this that I'm reminded what colourful pasts all our servants have.Thank goodness, otherwise who would Thomas have to blackmail?Very good point, Isobel.Without blackmail and unforeseen pregnancies, where would we be?Cancelled after series one.Andrew? What do you want?I've come to audition, Milord.I don't think that's a very good idea.Don't be so hasty, Edith.Perhaps a cheeky, chappy, cockney Santa might be just the ticket.Off you go.Thanks, Milord.May I say, what a nice looking pair of twists and twirls.Now, you better believe your mince pies as yours truly here has just dragged himself up the old apples and pears to see who's been good and who's been a little bit Barney Rubble.Well? What'd you think?I'm afraid that was a bit poney and trap.Go on, it's just an audition.Really?Yes, you've got nothing to lose.OK. Here I go.I'll do it in a minute.I'm not running the soup kitchen today.I'm DCI Vera Stanhope, Northumberland & City Police, pet.I'm here to investigate the murder.There hasn't been a murder.It's a stately home.There's always been a murder.I think I might've left an iron on, Milord.Nobody leaves the room.Except you, pet. Go see to that iron.Look... there hasn't been a murder.We're trying to find a Father Christmas.What about me? I'd make a lovely Father Christmas.You?Ho ho ho. Mince pie.I don't think so.Why not? Is it because I'm Northern?Not at all. We're Northern.Oh yeah?We're in Yorkshire.Honestly. Can't you tell by our accents?Milord?It would appear that you're running out of options.I am begging you. Please, let me be Santa.Carson, I have said this before, but let me be perfectly clear.As long as I am Earl of Grantham, you will never be Father Christmas.What are you doing, Papa?I'm terribly sorry, I thought we were going to an ad break.No.Next?I'm over here!Nice to see you, to see you.Nice!Well, I don't know why we said that.And you are?Sir Bruce Forsyth.Oh, a knight of the realm.Did you inherit your title?No, it was a reward for a lifetime's work.Ah, a traitor.So, what do you think you can bring to the role of Santa?Well, how about a bit of this...It's very good.Didn't he do well?Shall I go first?Ten!Ten!Nine.Only a nine?I wouldn't be your Santa for a peerage.Good day.Nine...Well done, Isobel.I'm very sorry, I was being... as honest as I could... I'm sorry.Who's in there now?Shh! I'm trying to listen.Merry Christmas!And then I give the children the toys and then...Sorry, can I just stop there?Why? It's going really well!I just don't think I'm right for the part.No, you're a wonderful Santa.Come on.I mean, Santa's a great big bloke, isn't he?We can put some cushions on your chair.And I'll ask Anna to take the costume in so it fits you.Sorry, it's just not right for me.Now, listen.You may be small, but I've seen enough to see that your spirit is ten feet high.And you're far jollier than any man I've ever met.It's true. I'm quite jolly.So, what do you say?Come on, be our Santa!I must say, you are a very persuasive man, Lord Grantham.Yeah, alright, I'll do it.What's the money?Money?I don't get out of bed for less than ten.Ten guineas?Ten grand.Well, in that case, it's a no from me.And me.And me.You rang, Milord?No, Barrow, it's part of the auditions.When we ring our bells, it means we don't like someone.When I don't like someone, I start an ill-founded rumour that gets them sacked.Very good, Milord.Well... that's the lot.It's hopeless.We'll just have to do without.An awful shame.Excuse me.I was looking for Mr Carson.I'm afraid we don't know where he is.You shouldn't have been so short with him.What's that?I think it's... Bonnie Tyler.Now, who would like to sit on Santa's knees?Carson? Is that really you?Well, it's not the Tooth Fairy, Milord.I've been so blind!All this time, the perfect Father Christmas was right under my nose.Carson, will you do me the honour of being our Santa?Mr Carson!I think it's time you started to call me Father Christmas.Introducing our new Santa Claus!Everybody! Text Santa!